Random conversations
Some of my favourite moments happen in the queue for the checkout. I tend to make an effort to treat the operatives as humans, which seems unusual in this part of South London and leads to some odd conversations. Two from the past week – perhaps you had to be there, but they tickled me so much that I wrote them down.
After a stint in the park, looking rather muddy, and having waited ages for a young male cashier to appear.
Me: How’re you doing?
Cashier: Alright thanks. You?
Me: Fine. Bit muddy…probably a bit of shit on there actually.
Cashier: Oh yeah. Well, it’s good for you.
Me: Really? How?
Cashier: Well, it’s full of nutrients. You get different sorts of dog shit around the world.
Me: …?
Cashier: Because of the diet innit.. Dogs here are well fed, all that rich stuff, so their, you know, dirt is big and rich.
Me: I ’spose.
Cashier: But in the third world they don’t have much to eat, so different stuff comes out and it dries different. Whiter.
Me: Oh.
Cashier: So you’ve got the good shit on you.
Me: Er, thanks
On the way home, wearing my cycle gear, being served by a woman about 40 years old.
Me: Bit quiet in here today
Cashier: Yeah it is baby. So bored… You’re cycling home, right?
Me: Yeah.
Cashier: And you’ve got a wife?
Me: Well, no but working on it.
Cashier: Can I ask you a question?
Me: Sure.
Cashier: So you haven’t got kids?
Me: Not as far as I know [ever the comedian, eh?]
Cashier: But if you-
Me: [Dives straight in] You can get special saddles that stop it being a problem. They have a little gap in the seat
Cashier: [Looks astonished] For real, baby?
Me: For real. So it stops too much pressure on, you know…
Cashier: ‘Cos you don’t wanna be sterile, innit
Me: It would be a terrible waste
You can’t make it up. I’ll leave you to guess which was Sainsbury’s and which was Tesco.
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